"Then Jesus said to his disciples, If any one desires to come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whosoever shall desire to save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake shall find it." (Mat 16:24-25)
Simply stated, dying to self means giving up your desires. You claim no right to anything that you desire. You have wishes and wants, but it you are not devastated if they do not come to pass. You are content either way. If your desire is not granted, you place it at the foot of the cross and say yourself, “It was the Lord’s will for things to end up the way they did. I am not frustrated. I will move on satisfied in God that He has made the decision. For me, as long as I can say that I have not sinned I can move on with no regrets and nothing to repent of.”
Example:
Suppose a man wants to serve God by becoming an elder at his local church, but no matter how hard he tries the doors are always closed to the opportunity. He becomes so frustrated that he gets angry and leaves the church. This man was not trying to use his spiritual gifts for God’s glory, and he did not want to become an elder in order to honor God. How do we know? Because he was chasing after his own will! If he was attempting to do the will of God, then he would have accepted that the will of God was for him not to be an elder, and he would have been happy with it. This is like how Cain became angry when God did not accept his sacrifice (Gen 4:5). If he was truly doing it for the Lord, he would have repented and told the Lord he was sorry for his mediocre sacrifice, and made a better sacrifice. Instead he became angry, bitter and jealous. Then he rebelled and killed his brother. A contrast to Cain's rebellion is when Paul asked the Lord to remove the "thorn in his flesh." The Lord did not remove it, but Paul did not become frustrated. The bible says that he gladly accepted the Lord's will. "And He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may overshadow me." (2Co 12:9)
This is the difference between a Christian who uses his or her spiritual gifts for the Lord, and one that uses his or her spiritual gifts for their own enjoyment. If the “potential elder” was simply trying to please God, he would not have gotten frustrated when he was not able to become an elder. He would be content to know that God closes some doors, and opens others. We must happily accept the fact that God opened “Door A”, instead of standing at “Door B” (which is closed) and pounding on it, complaining to the Lord that it would be best for Him to open it for us. If we do this it is a sign that we have selfish motives for whatever lies behind “Door B,” even if "Door B" contains items which appear spiritual.
"You ask and receive not, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it upon your lusts." (Jam 4:3)
We must learn to submit our will to God. We must ask God with the right attitude. Whatever He wants we are happy with – even if it contradicts what we want. Sometimes He will grant us our desires, and sometimes we must accept the fact that His will is different than our will. This applies to all aspects of life – work, marriage, children, church, friends, family, possessions, etc. If I could not marry who I wanted, I am content. If I did not get the job I wanted I am content. If I am poor I’m content, if I’m rich, I’m content. If I’m sick I’m content, if I’m healthy I’m content. If I’m being disciplined I’m content. If I’m not appreciated, I am content. If the only Christian church in town turns out to be mediocre, I’m content. If I was unable to serve in the ministry I desired, I’m still content. After all, my life is in God’s hands, and He closed certain doors and opened others for me to be where I am today. He could have prevented it, or guided circumstances differently, but in His wisdom He chose not to. I’m not disappointed, I’m not frustrated. I am happy to accept my lot and I trust Him 100 percent. “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord” – (Job 1:21)
I have desires for myself, but I’m not angry if they are withheld. I have plans for myself, but I’m not frustrated if the Lord does not allow them to come to pass. I happily accept God’s will. This is the mature, submitted Christian life.
"Not that I speak according to need, for I have learned to be content in whatever state I am. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound. In everything and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phi 4:11-13)